Merry Christmas and a Happy Freaking New Year!!!

Ok idk if everyone has figured this out yet but I'm broken. Mentally I just can't handle anything right now. Something big happened this year. I can't say what it is bc its not my news to tell, but it completely broke me. I was barely holding myself together before and now I can't smile or even really do anything. I'm going to therapy, and I'm trying to get into a psychiatrist to get some medicine to help a little. At this point I don't think I can even take classes next semester, but I have to or I won't get the financial aid we need to live on for the next 9 months. And that gives me even more stress bc we need that money. I could get a job. I'd be happy to get a job, but idk if I can get a job and keep it. I hate this dilemma. Everything is just so broken. I want to be happy so bad. I haven't been truly happy in so much longer than just this year. I've struggled with depression ever since i was a kid, but I don't remember it ever being this bad. This is really bad. My mom who I usually love talking to can't even cheer me up at all. And now today I just cannot stop crying and being so extremely sad. There are few people that don't seem to understand how bad this has gotten. They don't understand why I'm only taking two classes at a time, or why I can't handle a job at the same time as school. They don't see why I can barely get up in the morning. If they could just see how hard it is for me to agree to take medicine that's going to mess with my head they would know that this is bad and I need help. I just can not handle people that aren't for me right now. I need support. I need people to have faith in me. I need to be happy. Please understand that I need my friends and family right now. I'm broken. Please. Help. Me.

Memories Spinning Madly

I'm not really writing this to tell anyone really. I just need to write about it. Maybe it will help me get some closure. If the person I'm going to be writing about reads this then you really shouldn't care. I'm not mentioning names and you're happy with your choices. So you can just deal with what I say here. 

A long time ago I had this person, a boy, in my life that I had no romantic interests in. We'll get that out there now. We were just really close friends. He was really my first close friend that I was always with when I wasn't sleeping or in class. We grew very close just out of pure need. We held each other together during some of darkest hours of both of our lives. We shared secrets and pretty sunsets, and long talks while just driving around. We were good friends for 3 years but only got really close in the last year of our friendship. It wasn't romantic, although when I had a shattered heart heart, he did pick up the pieces and glue them back together. He wasn't my boyfriend, and but he was more than a friend. I called him my brother sent from Heaven. I'd always wanted a brother, and he stepped in and fit perfectly. 

Then without warning it all crashed down. I don't even remember what the fight was about but words were exchanged and no matter what I said I couldn't fix it. There was no closure. It just kind of ended with no warning. It seems like sometimes those memories (the good and bad ones) spin around my head like a amusement park ride to the point that I think I might scream...sometimes I do. Some days something will trigger a memory that completely knocks me flat. Has me crying in seconds. Its ALMOST worse then losing someone to death, because I know it could be fixed if he cared enough to fix it. Its been 2 and half years since we stopped talking and I still have days like today that I spend picking myself back up from the floor. 

I've had boyfriends that have resulted in breakups before. I even had one pretty nasty breakup. But somehow this aches worse. This wasn't just a boyfriend, or even a crush. This was worse. This was family.

Now I am having an extremely rough time dealing with something in my life right now, and there's a brother size gap in my heart that is aching more than ever. 


So far away
This time, this placeMisused, mistakesToo long, too lateWho was I to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breathJust in case there’s just one left‘Cause you knowYou know, you know
That I love you, I have loved you all alongAnd I miss you, been far away for far too longI keep dreaming you’ll be with me and you’ll never goStop breathing if I don’t see you anymore
One my knees, I’ll askLast chance for one last dance‘Cause with you I’d withstandAll of it to hold your hand
I’d give it all, I’d give for usGive anything but I won’t give up‘Cause you knowYou know, you know
That I love you, I have loved you all alongAnd I miss you, been far away for far too longI keep dreaming you’ll be with me and you’ll never goStop breathing if I don’t see you anymore
So far away, been far away for far too longSo far away, been far away for far too longBut you knowYou know, you know
I wantedI wanted you to stay‘Cause I neededI need to hear you say
I love you, I have loved you all alongAnd I forgive you for being away for far too longSo keep breathing ‘cause I’m not leaving you anymoreBelieve it, hold on to me, never let me go
Keep breathing ‘cause I’m not leaving you anymoreBelieve it, hold on to me, never let me goHold on to me, never let me goHold on to me, never let me go